Last year I received a big Manila envelope from my Mother, what was in it? The typical stuff, that is typical for my Mothers mailings, it’s always a smörgåsbord of odds and ends in her mailings. I received copies of some of her recipe cards, some of them favorites of mine and some she newly discovered… some copies of articles concerning Systemic Lupus, Fibromyalgia and Cervical Vertebra newest surgical info and so on. What was so unusual about this envelope was that it also contained a questionnaire for a Family Book that she wants to make.
I struggled to think of a single thing to put down in this book answering all the questions, strange how I am finding this a struggle. I struggled long enough and time went by… the list of questions plagued me for a while… of course during a move this Spring (in which the original paperwork got lost, still packed up in a box somewhere) I thought of some perfectly fun and funny answers for this, but of course it was during a move and no notes were taken. Well, Mother decided that half of the children replied and she would place in a brief statement for us other 3 kids and print up the book. Well here it is months and months later, not only has it not been printed, but now we must answer the questions in a week! *sigh*
Fascinating how the mind works… when not under a time limit I could think of things that would be perfect but they are all gone in a Fibro Fog of sorts, flying away with the winds of time and lack of brain power… the brain is already overwhelmed trying to take care of my pain levels that have been through the roof as of late.
I can go through my memories of my childhood, early adulthood and Marriage… the questions of favorite childhood memories sad to say are a bundle of little pieces, that gives me a headache as I try and push them to the surface. The problem is that one memory is not a favorite over the others and why am I taking this so seriously? Well, I regretably haven’t had children of my own, (perhaps do to my Systemic Lupus) I won’t be much of a story or memory to others when I pass on. I want my words to have meaning, to show my sense of humor, some of what made me the me that I am today and to have some words of wisdom in them… evidently its too much to ask of this brain of mine in exhaustive pain? What am I to do?
I will not plague generations of the family with the struggles of being poor & disabled with crippling pain, the struggles of not having a home to call your own but dealing with slum lords and messes of others at your front door, the struggles of barely getting by and the heartache of not taking a trip to see relatives who live far away etc etc. But I would really love it if some questions were asked about how to get by, or what advice we’d give others on getting by. I think I have been given, by my Parental Units (yes I am showing my age… yay Coneheads!), the knowledge and tools to get me through more successfully then others manage on so little. I sew (thus my blog: Sew What, Darn it) and craft, make my own soaps (laundry and dishwasher and leftover soaps get collected to make new soaps), I make my own many things (mostly out of old clothing, buttons, beads from friends jewelry that had fallen apart and they were going to toss etc etc) and so people generally think I am better off then I am. But they never see my mess of an Apartment as these things I do (and rarely do them)… it take up both energy, of which I have in rare supply (just thinking and talking on some days takes up what energies I do have) and takes up room. The lack of energy leads to lack of energy for much more then dinner and dishes and lack of room all add up to this messy little apartment. Alas I diverge… forgive me, the powers of ramblings are after all my biggest strength… or is it that ADD? 😛
Well my ramblings are more personal today then ever, I feel I am writing to my diary… it is a big wide world out there and this blog is but a tiny little piece of dust, and so I have hit the “publish post” button and placed my dust particle in the winds of the Internet… where it lands, it’s hard to say…but I know it’s there, with my ramblings
Well, this will probably be edited and polished up in the furture… I am not focusing well at all today and worse yet, I am in a hurry.