Let me preface this with: I may suffer from chronic pain and have many things wrong, but I am quick with a friendly smile, a hug, to tell a joke and just plain laugh.
Since I’ve gotten progressively in more & more pain, it saddens me that I noticed, in the past 9 years or so, that I subconsciously found myself moving or shrinking away fast from any unexpected hugs and/or touches, and I that’s definitely not me it’s the pain and I hate it! *sigh* This very part of me, is the part of me I miss the most since being sick… bad enough I can’t do so many things, like simply keeping a house clean, as well as keeping up with dishes etc etc… but to shrink away from a touch? Something I crave so much? What can a person do?
I still am a friendly people person, who loves to meet new people although, I find that with my illness I don’t know from one moment to the next if I will be able to handle going someplace visiting. You will very seldom find me behind a wheel or even feeling up to a car ride… “normal” people don’t comprehend that, nor do they understand that even on a better day I can’t drive myself more then 10 minutes without a lot of pain or that I will know from one day to the next, not to mention from one minute to the next, if I will be okay and/or up to doing anything. Hard to keep friends this way and even more difficult to keep them… and darn it, I am a people person!
Speaking of which being okay from one moment (or day) to the next, is there any such thing as a good day? I haven’t seen one in so long that I can’t remember when I last had one. Wait a minute I remember a good 2 hours of a day, once things loosened up from getting up in the morning, I bragged and yes cried… I was actually feeling well, and that was about 2 years ago… someone who understood pain (a psychologist that my doctor sent me too thinking it was all in my head, and later she told me that my feelings, frustrations were all righteously placed and kicked me loose after only a couple of sessions) asked me a question that made me think very very hard and brought me to tears… “Can you remember having a good day? pain free?”
Ok so here I sit, feeling sorry for myself… a rare thing for me, but feeling the impulse to share with the poor people who may stumble upon this blog… and you know what? It feels good to let it out! I have saved this post and rewrote it about 10 times now for the past few months and you know what? It still applies… and I actually will publish it this time!
Hey if you feel or have felt the same, why don’t you write something in the comments and we can share?
Take care of yourselves!
Luv & hugs,